An Answer to Santorum’s “Marriage” Analogy

It’s a perilous thing, Googling “Santorum.” But that’s precisely what I had to do to write this post.

Last week, former Senator cum continuing failure Rick Santorum attempted a bit of metaphysics, with predictable results. You see, gay marriage simply cannot be, because gay marriage is as different from straight marriage as a napkin is from a paper towel.

Which is to say, not very different at all.

Santorum’s problem is he’s focusing on the wrong trait to define marriage. As he understands it, the goal of marriage is to glorify God by promoting His specific form of the family. Functionally, the Senator has settled on the one trait of traditional marriage specifically capable of justifying his hoped-for exclusion, and in the process, ignored all the important traits of that institution. Love, commitment, and societal stability fall by the wayside. It’s all and exclusively about God. How shallow.

Let’s try a different analogy. As Santorum sees it, gay marriage is as different from straight marriage as raft is from a foam pool “noodle”: the former is used to relax, and the latter to whack people.

Totally different — but both will keep you afloat.



  1. I’d be curious to hear candidate Ames’ definition of marriage.

  2. Paper towel vs napkin? Seriously? Imbecile.

    Although I’d have to say whacking people can be a fun form of relaxation, in the same way that, say, pegging them with a modified nerf gun can be.

    Personally, I’d define marriage as what happens after a man swears fealty to a woman. Or, you know, whatever people who aren’t me want to do. I’m planning to go the fealty route though, if I can ever manage to find a woman who’ll take me.

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